Lisa: It could be a mutant from the nuclear plant!
Burns: Oh fiddle faddle! Everyone knows our mutants have flippers. Oh, I've said too much. Smithers use the amnesia ray.
Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir?
Burns: Precisely, and be sure to wipe your own memory clear as well.

Burns: People that was all wrong! Homer Simpson doesn't say b'oh, he says....d'oh!

Burns: Who is that Bookworm, Smithers?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir.
Burns: Simpson, eh? How very strange. His job description clearly specifies an illiterate.

Burns: I bring you love!
Lenny: It's bringing love don't let it get away!
Carl: Break it's legs!

Burns: Smithers, this beer isn't working! I don't feel any younger or funkier.
Smithers: I'll switch to the table-spoon sir.

Burns: It doesn't matter what your name is you idiot!

Burns having a long woo-hoo of joy.

Marge: People saw our story on the news and opened thier hearts to us!
Capt. McAllister: Argh, we just gave what we could.
Burns: Does any one have change of a button?

Reverend Lovejoy: Once something is approved by the government it's no longer immoral!
People: Yay! Burns: By Building a casino I can tighten my stranglehold on this dismal town! People: Yay! Barney: BURP! People: Yay!

Burns: Smithers, I've been thinking. Is it wrong to cheat in order to win a million dollar bet?
Smithers: Yes sir.
Burns: Let me rephrase that. Is it wrong if I cheat in order to win a million dollar bet?
Smithers: No sir.

Burns: Well if it's a crime to love one's country, then I'm guilty of that. And if it's a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government and hand it over to Communist Cuba, then I'm guilty of that too. And if it's a crime to bribe a jury, the so help, I'll soon be guilty of that!
Homer: God bless America!

Very special sound, a syndication cut from 'Homer Loves Flanders'

Burns: Men, there's a little crippled boy sitting in the hospital, who wants you to win this game. I know because, I crippled him myself, just to inspire you.

Burns: Damnation!

Burns: Yes you're in Deep D'oh now!

Burns: Who the devil are you?

Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns.
Burns: Nonsense, dogs are idiots! Think about it Smithers, if I came under your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering on your face, what would you say!
Smithers: If you did it sir?

Burns: Everything's fine Smithers. This Simpson fellow seems to be getting dumber by the minute, I've never seen anything like it!

Burns: Excelent!

Burns: I don't like being outdoors Smithers. For one thing there are too many fat children.

Burns: So another friday is upon us. What will you be doing Smithers? Something gay no doubt.
Smithers: Wha- what?
Burns: You know, light hearted, fancy free. Mothers lock up your daughters, Smithers is out on the town.
Smithers: Of Course sir. [nervous laugh]

Burns mocking the germans by pretending he's scared of them.

Burns: Oh, this may take a while, Smithers. Why don't you get drunk and stumble around comically for my amusement?
Smithers: I'll be a one-man conga line.

Burns: Look at them all through the darkness I'm bringing. They're not sad at all, they're actually singing. They sing without juicers they sing without blenders, they sing with out bunglers, klapdrabblers and schmedlers!

Burns: You there! Fill it up with petroleum disterate. And re-vulcanize my tires. Post haste!

Burns: What's this strange sensation in my chest?
Smithers: I think your heart is beating.
Burns: Oh that takes me back. God bless you Sherry Bobbins.

Scene where Burns fires Homer and Homer's heart goes nutty

Burns: Well Simpson, Seven gone, as soon as your in your press board coffin, I'll be the sole survivor and the treasure will be mine.
Grampa: Over my deadbody!
Burns: Wu-zah- That's exactly the point! Can't you go more than 5 secoonds without humilaiting yourself?
Grampa:[pants fall down] How long was that?

Burns laughs for a whole day, what was I laughing about now? Oh yes that crippled Irish man! more laughing

Burns: Remember, your job and the success of your family hinders on your completeion of Nuclear Science 101. Oh and one more thing, you must find the jade monkey before the next full moon.
Smithers: Actually sir, we found the jade monkey, it was in the glove compartment.
Burns: And the road maps and Ice scrapers?
Smithers: They were in there too sir.
Burns: Excellent, it's all falling into place.

Mr. Burns Governor campaign song

Burns: Let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby, and get ourselves some snacks!

Burns: Now to the plant, we'll take the spruce moose! Hop in.
Smithers: But sir--
Burns: [gun clicking] I said 'Hop in'.

Burns: Beep Beep, out of my way, I'm a motorist!

Burns: Benefits, perks, a green cookie on St. Patricks Day! Oh it didn't used to be this way Smithers, it didn't used to be this way at all.

Burns: Schindler and I are like peas in a pod. We both own factories, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked damnit!

Burns: Goodbye Springfield! From hell's heart I stab at thee!

Burns checks his stock ticker and is suprised to see a market crash.

Burns:Thank you sir, may I have another?

Burns: And to think Smithers, you laughed when I bought TicketMaster. Nobody's going to pay a 100% percent service charge.

Burns: Bah to hell with this! Get my razor, draw a bath! And get these kleenex boxes off my feet!
Smithers: And the jars of urine sir?
Burns: Oh hang on to those.

Burns: Now before we begin, I want you all to know that I want your legal advice, I even pay for it. But to me your all vipers! You live on suffering, you live and pain and human misery! But I'm rambling. Does anyone want any coffee?
Weasel Lawyer: I'll have some coffee.
Burns: Want it black don't you, black like your heart! It's so hard for me to listen to you, I HATE YOU ALL SO MUCH! I'm sorry it's my problem I'll deal with it, please continue.

Hippie 1: Alright now we can finally stop those corporate pigs from dumping their nuclear wastes!
Hippie 2: Oh no our boat is sinking!
Burns: It was I you fools! The man you trusted isn't wavy gravy at all! And all this time I've been smoking harmless tobbacco!

Burns: Welcome come in! Ah more victims for my ever growing army of the undead!
Smithers: Sir you have to let go of the button.
Burns: Well son of a bit--

Burns: Yes wooptedo, wooptedo to the world! Wooptedo Mr. florist, Mr. physical trainer, wooptedo Mr. President, wooptedo tarantula town, wooptedo employees!

INS Agent: This man is working as an illegal alien.
Burns: That's proposterous, Zutroy here is as American as apple pie!
Zutroy: Dun-screkrabba, Mr. Boorns